response, bullets, and yellow (card) fever

"You just try to keep your head up and stay positive going forward" - "target".  that is the mystery man that I look up to as a human role model.  I probably won't mention his identity any time soon, and it'll probably just stay a mystery unless you're clever, psychic, or stalk me. haha.  So this post was supposed to be a weekend update, but somehow it turned into a Monday relief, and I'm kinda happy about that. I'm content with how things are going at the moment, with most things; mostly with people and the fact that I'm inching back into track with the school year.  I still continue to hope and pray that things go uphill.  The main events of the week are stated below...
One of the things I'm most thankful for is the continuity of my quest to get pen-palling, and I've recently regained contact with one girl from Barcelona at around my age, and I'm thankful that I can still make friends especially with all the hidden issues at the moment... But the point is that I've been having consistent contact with her and we're getting along.
Now with the bullets, I say that those are my underlying problems coated with suspicion and doubt.  But with help from God, music, values, integrity, and hope, I prevail and become "bulleeeeetproooooff" haha La Roux... but music has been the most obvious helper to me in front of my eyes, whether its listening to new tracks, dancing, or playing the piano, I find inspiration and solution.  I thank God for my musical mind :D.  I've been listening to some new tracks, either hip-hop or new soul or techno... it helps.  Positivity = +
Yellow fever! No, not the one that caused an epidemic in Alaska way back when.  I'm talking about yellow cards and sickness individually.  Yellow cards were awarded to and fro in the football/futbol/soccer (I'll call it soccer from now on) match between FC Barcelona (my team) and Atletico Madrid (a rival), it was pretty heated and if you saw it, you'd think "heated" is an understatement, from the resilience of Atl. Mad.'s goalie, the awesome game point scored by G. Piqué (favorite player), and the horrible accident with L. Messi (arguably the world's best soccer player)'s ligaments in his ankle that caused it to swell like a melon... *shudder*... so that was a great high to me this week and that just pushes me to reach for the Dream even more :)).  Speaking of ailments and such, I've been sick for more than a week now, and to blame is me, my busy-ness, and other outlying factors.  Overall, everyone is getting sick at school, and out, so I'm just happy that my immune system is at its peak and I don't have to stay away from those who are tainted. haha... a little morbid there... but I hope I get better and everyone else too... Advice: don't wash your hands in dirty water... metaphorically of course (what? you think I'd put something irrelevant like that? maybe, but only if i was drunk lmao) G'night

fondants, fears, and fml's...

Well life is certainly doing its job, pressing on me until I reach my breaking point, but I continue to persist and persevere, like most people in America that are alive (no offense to whoever)... so its been about 4-5 days since I started this post, and now its the weekend, a very clear example on how busy I am nowadays... but back to what I can remember and I'll probably make another post after this on more recent things.  The busy-ness and the stress still apply 24/7 and constantly cloud my train of thought.  On Monday, I made yet another majestic (to me) cake using rolled fondant, an experimental thing with me, and I think I got a B on how the cake turned out, and I brought it to Madrigals practice for someone's birthday, all in all though, they liked it.  Small victory? I think so...
Now recently, I think I'm overcoming certain fears, with the help of "target" and some weird dreams, I think I just needed a catalyst to help me overcome my hemophobia (fear of blood), and hopefully after a while and after forgetting about my vivid and audible dream of me slitting the House leader's neck, I'll be fine with blood.  All it took was to mix something very desirable with something so undesirable... And I'd like to thank my friend for telling me his weirdest dream of him getting chased in a Little Red Riding Hood setting by a one-legged cheerleader, knowing that there are those with more bizarre dreams than me.
Now the FML's should just explain themselves, right now I'm in an avalanche of lies and mental sorrow which is not where I want to be... I need to keep my eyes on the prize, and make the most of what I have... which by the way is very little in general... Well I got what I deserved, ah Life please lift me back up in the air...

you think you got it bad?, all i need to know is in a Kaleidoscope Heart, and the time that whizzes by...

Well I think its been about a week since the last post, and my reason is that simply, I'm busy and probably disorganized.  I've been busy with schoolwork, and other stressors that make time move quicker than it really is. So either that or I've been procrastinating very badly/well, the negative one.  Mostly reading books, especially if they have no plot, consumes my time and adds lots of stress to me, and high school already has preliminary stress even before the schoolwork, social duty, and depending on who you are, other additional things.  So I'm just barely hanging on at the moment, but I'm hoping and praying that I do get back on track somehow soon.

Selfishness has its own line that one can cross and be in a darker side, when all you can see is you, is when you've crossed that line, its like a loss of the light around you.  After worrying so much about myself and my stress and issues, I've become blind to certain things.  I've forgotten some important parts of people, like feelings and their stories and such, and I really feel stupid for crossing that line.  Thankfully I realized I was doing this before it grew on me, by listening to a friend's story and "cry for help" (issues and discussing them) and I began to think I was an insensitive douche at first, but then I backed up a bit to see more of the whole picture (metaphorically).  I've been losing humanity after all but in a different way than what I perceived, I started to be insensitive, and all this time I've been pretty ignorant.  Its gonna be difficult to stay away from that line from now on, I need to find ways and means to get as far away from that line as possible, to avoid future coldness.

This Tuesday, Sara Bareilles' new album came out, Kaleidoscope Heart, and I personally say that its amazing!  All the songs on it, are all perfectly written and all her melodies are captivating, it very much overreached my expectations.  So far the songs have connected with me in a way to help me, or capture what I want to say or what I'm feeling at the moment.  I have a feeling that I'm gonna like each and every one of the songs on the record.  Shes done a good job on her sophomore album, now I hope I can replicate that with my school year.  Take a listen to it on YouTube, or buy it on iTunes!  haha, endorsement.

Time is really passing by before my eyes, and I bet they are for you, whoever you are, too!  Times like today just seem to fly past us, I miss the times when I could just relax for a while.  All the stress and activity of present day just seem to accelerate time and preoccupy us, as we know it!  The best thing I can do personally, is to get one step ahead and stay one step ahead.  Never give up, and always hope.  I'm sorry for your loss 9/11, family, and Barça...

saturday night Live (not the satirical show), losing humanity, and the shuffling amish...

Its ironic how I'm doing a post mostly about last night, tonight.  So everything is based on my memory from 24 hours ago, so call it a test for Alzheimer's if you want to, cuz I'm positive that I'll leave something I wanted really wanted to say last night, out.  If you're still reading, thanks haha.  I'll be talking about my Saturday now... Last night was an eventful one for I went downtown to Chicago to the Jazz Festival, I wanna point out that it was partially against my will because I didn't want to go in the first place.  After eating our routine Chinese lunch, my dad and I went to the train station to head to downtown Chicago for the annual Jazz Festival, I only had my iPod and my smartphone with me to keep me entertained when I was bored, and that happened a lot.  At the end of the day, I never really used them during the festival except as a watch, because who would walk around with headphones in their ears at a jazz festival where there's live music everywhere?  It would've just made it much more evident that you didn't belong.  After the train ride (which were the only times I listened to my music), we stepped out onto the streets of Chicago.  To tell you the truth, I actually always feel new to the city whenever I go there, I feel strangely fascinated at almost everything.  We walked about 20 min. of streets and got to the huge park where this event was taking place, we went in listened for a bit of small live performances, then we went to the main stage where there was about to be a band playing, and so we took our seats and for about the next two hours those metal chairs were my best friends.  After the opening ceremonies of the national anthem and some tributes, the concert started and soon enough I found out that they were a Latin Jazz group and so I didn't completely hate it.  My dad kept going away to somewhere, and so I just stayed there trying to stay awake with 3-4 hours of sleep on me, and listened.  The hour went by with me listening, drowsing off to sleep, and then staying awake again, until the last of the set came and another band went up to perform, I started to play around with my phone and continuously checked the time.  I thought it was still mid-afternoon and I started to get irritated, when the concert came to an end and I checked my time once again and found out that I had been looking at Los Angeles time, and so I was actually two hours behind the real time.  That blonde moment realization lifted the stress off me and I calmed a bit.  At about 6:30-7 we left our seats to another stage with contemporary jazz, the kind that I can handle the most and waited for the main act, a saxophonist whose name I cannot recall right at this moment.  After more upbeat and interesting music styles, the main act started and played some songs that I remember hearing a long while ago.  I think that was the most prominent event of the night, either that or the delicious chicken tenders and Arby's-like fries that we ate a while ago, and when it came to an end we headed back to the train station.  After taking another much quicker route, we happened to run across Amish folk, with a choir, and went to eat at a Starbuck's with a revolving door, while enjoying a toffee latte and pumpkin bread some Amish teenagers bought something and as they were leaving, two girls squeezed together into a slot in the revolving door and I laughed inside at how hilarious it looked as they shuffled and shimmied out the door while entrapped with each other in a pocket, so maybe that was the most prominent thing of my night.  Seeing that, we continued heading to the train station and waited.  I still felt a little more hungry and went to get McD's inside the station, and accidentally got a free iced tea!  We boarded the train and headed home for the night.  All throughout the day I've been getting thought bubbles and pangs at random about who I really was, and what I am.  I've been thinking about my objectiveness, fear, and abnormality that I don't really have anything to stand for, except my values of course, but with everything else I don't have opinions nor preferences.  I'm neutral and practically soulless.  I'm a machine.  I'd rather be thinking of solutions than problems though, so I might be trying even more new things to actually "be me" whatever that is.  I'm gonna try to address the elephants in the room at times, to clear air before breathing it in.  I think thats all I have for tonight, so I'll see ya.  I might double up and take new dance classes this week... Bareilles in Two

bad conversations, dips into hopelessness, and objectiveness to the point of nonexistence...

I've been meaning to make another post ever since the middle of the week, and now I'm writing at 3:30 AM at night in the weekend, so that didn't work out too well...  The point is that I'm here now, and I'll try to be meaningful.  The niche of things are that, things in general aren't going so well, at least from my POV.  I'm running into the same or similar issues I had last year in school, and at this point I'm questioning whether its my fault or not.  These issues include my social skill troubles, my spaztic tendencies,  and other things relating to that, like low confidence and stuff, but I'm no stranger to these troubles.  The weekend is my only safe house nowadays, I feel imprisoned whenever I'm at school, for issues bring themselves up at random and frequent times, and so I'm contemplating what to do... I just realized that with all this stress and worry, I forgot to electronically turn in my English paper online... fuck.  Pardon my language, but it'll occasionally show up.  After this ever recent realization, I just want to flee to a quiet and calm place, we all do at times like this, but I'm not one to run or hide from my worries, I like to face them and get them out of the way to stop them from escalating, sadly this one's a bitch.  There's the hopelessness that occasionally gets to me, it subsides but it was there and it leaves a lingering guilt.  Other realizations and conclusions I've made is that, I've been overly objective with just about everything.  I'm as objective as an omniscient narrator using empty adjectives and verbs, just calling what he sees without any judgment or output, almost machine-like.  That may be the cause of multiple worries, but I'm not totally definitive just yet.  I'm not changing for others, but for me, I will do what I can...  Nice racks, haha, 100% random.

dry victories, blind realities, and the nearer future...

Welcome back, or just welcome in general, I'm gonna try to be serious for this particular post, so just a warning ahead of time.  "Time is never on our side", I heard Morpheus say that a while ago, and it started an intermittent train of thought, is time really ever in our favor? The peculiar thing is that this train of thought expanded itself and even joined with others.  Today, in choir, we voted for officers from our class, to help our teacher and help lead us.  We applied beforehand, if we wanted to, and personally I ran for 4 of the 5 possible positions, and to my expectation and content, I lost 3 and withdrew from the 4th to be humble and to avoid further humiliation. I tried to stay away from the mindset that this was all based on popularity and not on honest to goodness, leadership quality, and for now I haven't touched on that yet.  My competition was made of good leaders actually, but with popularity to kick them up a bit in the ranks, so I expected that I would not even win one position, and even placed a bet on it.  I lost the first three, voting not for myself, not even once, to be humble once again, and so I displayed calmness to pique.  Then when it came to the last position, I only had one opponent, and after hearing her input/speech about what she would do if she won, I realized that she possibly and most likely, had more potential than me, so I withdrew my candidacy (with wrong wording, but with humility) and I somehow felt victorious, even without a position on the "board" and having to pay my dues ($1 haha) for breaking rules of my bet (no withdrawing), I felt victorious.  Call me crazy.  I also failed my permit test, I found out yesterday, and so strong humility in two days straight, I think thats a record.  :).

Tonight, I went to my regular hip hop dance class, and while dancing I made one of the most important and objective discoveries I have ever made.  Since making my major mindset transition, about a month ago, I've constantly been thinking things, trying to stay on top of things and overcome as often as I could.  Tonight though, I realized that I've been so caught up in my thoughts, that I've never really truly enjoyed anything without having to worry about something else, that is currently insignificant, then continuing my train of thought, I pieced the puzzle together - adults are so caught up in their worries, that they don't even realize that they're never really truly happy anymore!  Theres always something on a persons mind that lingers, and that thought actually suppresses you from showing your full potential!  So in summary, adults are blinded by their worries, that they don't even know what they're missing, or that they're missing on anything at all!  :/.

Tomorrow, is an important day, tomorrow, is the audition date for the Fall Play, which is a big deal in my life for the arts have been near and dear to me for a while now.  I'm having issues with transportation right now, but hopefully all can be worked out someway, somehow.  Wish me luck!  Noche nit.