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Neopoke100

 

Things I don't understand, a leader with no one to lead, and breaking the chains...

So I'm back for a special guest appearance today, this early Thursday morning.  I've just noticed something about myself, a habit, that I need to break free from.  Now this habit doesn't get triggered very often, but when it does, it sends me on a downward spiral that's difficult to get out of.  I don't understand why my brain acts this way, maybe it's just a part of being a Slytherin or being a "Leader" in terms of Myers-Briggs personality.

The behavior I'm talking about is how easily I get triggered whenever I get surpassed by a close friend.  I can think of 3 instances in the past few years that I feel that has happened and I just get so mad whenever shit like that happens.  My frustration just wells up like a dragon breathing fire.  Some might say it's jealousy, but this also happens even when I'm not vying for the "higher platform" if you will.  Normal people would react by being super happy and proud of their close friend for being so successful and lucky, but I on the other hand, if I knew I had a chance at the same "goal", all hell breaks loose in my head and steam shoots out of my head.

A fix to this problem is obviously just to focus on yourself and see that your path is not the same path that anyone else on this Earth will ever take, and so you just have to continue living life striving to become the best version of yourself.  But for some reason, maybe it's just how passionate my emotions can be, I can't seem to place that logic in my mind when I think of those experiences, especially when they're recent.  I think it takes me a good while to finally get over things like these but there's always a trace left in my mind that make me end up holding tiny grudges.  Those traces then sometimes lead me to lie to myself or feed the next incidence.  I just wish these things would click immediately because I really don't have a good reason to bash on a close friend for rising above.  Maybe it's a loneliness complex? Maybe I just don't wanna be left on the ground while others I admire are flying free?  Or maybe it's just me being power hungry and wanting to lead that's making me wish it was me.  Well, whatever it might be, I hope the chain gets broken and that I can be genuinely happy and grateful for the blessings bestowed upon my friends.  Heck, I sometimes feel lucky just having that company around, even just for a little bit.  I guess that's all for now, especially since my thoughts are escaping me.

-e

Changing winds, confusion, and concern

I've figured out that I only ever go here whenever I'm feeling something intense.  It's one of those nights, rare nowadays since I somehow manage to bottle it up and ship it places.  Not exactly the most healthy practice, but it keeps me sane for the most part. I only ever write on here once a year, and a lot goes on in a year.  The winds are constantly changing, that's something you pick up on as you grow older.  I'm nearing 20 now and that amazes me.  I've managed to make it this far but looking back at where I've been is bittersweet and awkward to say the least.  I won't elaborate because that would create anthologies.

Confused and concerned about what I'm doing, if I'm creating a false sense of happiness or if I'm a horrible pessimist.  I never know if what I feel is valid anymore, it's constantly confusing because of the new experiences I'm continuously put through.  I hope things correct themselves out sooner or later, I hope I get a nudge to do so.  I'm essentially upset at the moment, but trudging on and trying to figure out how to get over it.  I'll stop it at that.  Nice to be here again, I forgot how refreshing it is to write.  'Til we meet again, -e

Writing is like...

Writing, the intricate organic art that captures and captivates the very beings of soul & spirit.  It is a vitality, the magic that flows within all of us intelligent beings that can literally do the impossible.  One of truest forms of freedom that moves our lives to new heights, its boundlessness carries dreams and endeavors to reality, it is a portal that teems with livelihood.

Its capabilities are handled by its user and creator, making every writing experience unique and individual.  It is personal, to the purest sense.

Coming from my inner muse, writing is spurned from emotion, thought, experience, and willpower.  It is a practice that enriches life, it lets us express what cannot be expressed on any other medium, it moulds the world to become more interpersonal.

The practice heavily relies on personality, personal experiences and memories are led to interpretation into language arts.  This is comparable to a timeless explorer with no direction, but an unrest to learn and experience whatever the world gives him.  In his travels, personal mementos are inevitably collected as they are representations of memory and flux in reality.  These personal and universal elements create basis for new ideas that seem to flow through time by written word.

Never ending, never ceasing outpour of creative writing continue to better the world and introduce concepts that could have never existed if suppressed.  Writing is an eternal freedom that exists as we do humans:  individual, similar at times, maybe different standings, but nonetheless a medium to communicate one's intent.  It is a natural way to express vitality.

"If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost.  The world will not have it.  It is not our business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions... keep the channel open" - Martha Graham

temporarily, approaching the end of the road, and the sacred Strawberry Swing

Most things, (if not, all) things in life are inevitably temporary.  The drink you may be drinking will soon be empty, the moon or sun in the sky will soon go down under the horizon, the people around you will come and go, until the end of time.  Times like these, when you just wanna stand still and stop time, in order to look back in retrospect, all of the things that have got you to this point in time.  For me, its this  end time, for others around me, to just finally pass onto the next stage of their journey through life.  Specifically, the seniors in my high school life, that continue to reach milestones in our little haven called music and theatre.  "For some reason I can't explain, once you've gone there was never an honest word, but that was when I ruled the world..." -CM.  I'm one of the many to go next, it's absolutely difficult to fathom how far I've come in this point in life, and through the people I've met, it's just been a helluva journey.  I'll be dethroned very soon, and the cycle will continue, but it's what makes this life so... entertaining.  Now onto the last point, the sacred Strawberry Swing... again this is inspired by none other, CP, and whenever I listen to the (titular) song, I get a sense of hope that always changes it's form.  It varies from here and there, depending on the occasion, but at the moment, I'm getting the strongest emotions from "sitting" on it.  It always culminates to having the "perfect day", where things just magically line up, for it is God's will after all.  Personally, it's an embodiment of all my troubles, hopes, and thoughts melded into an artistic product.  Sitting on Strawberry Swing, just makes me feel every feeling in the world, but it always ends on a good note... "Now the sky could be blue, I don't mind, without you it's a waste of time..." -CM  (P.S. not stoned, lol) I'll fly away now, a wop bam boom for now... -E

Life in Monochrome: Part 3, traumatic rifts, and the demons that inhabit them all...

I'll be brief with this one, briefer than usual, for I'm writing this at midnight, and I need all the shuteye I can get.  Hell week isn't called hell week for nothing, because some unwanted realities and colors are shown on people.  I'll just go on ahead with the play-by-play... First off, the Life in Monochrome "movement" is a play on a song title by CP, and how it's the opposite of the serendipity I get upon listening to Li-Technicolor 2.  The part 3 is significant since parts are equivalent to years in this case, and I've been living in this black and white societal surrounding for 3 years, with no significant progress, or greater purpose, or long lasting happiness to be found.  I plan to break from this cycle by shattering the window I've been looking through all these parts...  Segue-ing into the second movement, are the consequences of the sudden break from Monochrome.  This is clearly not the first time I've considered this, or anything like this; and if I did act accordingly, it wouldn't be a first either...  The fear of losing is lingering low above by head, and currently it's only descending even further into my character.  The only "explanation" I'll provide is the case of "JB"... en finale, the demons that surround me, are my best friends and by far, my worst enemies.  It's never easy to maneuver along their paved roads, and I'm always getting lost.  Someone find me, please... soon... "I just got lost..." -E

Grease, people, and decisive questionable baggage...

So sorry I've slacked on my commitment to write frequently, but then again, life gets you a lot and you get distracted.  But my bad, and I'm back today.  This one'll be a wake-up call, and I just need to see everything on one table and then line everything up efficiently... The toughie around this time of year, more specifically, this week, is the fact that the school musical, Grease, is premiering on Thursday which is in 3 days... My focus has been directed every which way recently, and I'm just having a hard time with getting things right.  My mind has been an enemy lately either, it doesn't help me by injecting doubt and confusion into my consciousness.  I'll need to step it up with everything, especially Grease as soon as possible, to re-rail myself into the norm.  The ongoing dilemma of my relationships with people are being realized once again, and that could be my biggest downfall in a matter of moments.  I hope and pray that God will steer me in the right direction and keep me energized and going in that direction, optimistically, by the time I have a breakthrough, as soon as possible.  The fact that my mind is throwing a plethora of ideas, thoughts, emotions, etc. willy-nilly all around my cortex, sinks me into the recesses of panic, will hopefully calm itself down in the following days, hours, minutes... reality is so... rampant... Bye for now... -E