The behavior I'm talking about is how easily I get triggered whenever I get surpassed by a close friend. I can think of 3 instances in the past few years that I feel that has happened and I just get so mad whenever shit like that happens. My frustration just wells up like a dragon breathing fire. Some might say it's jealousy, but this also happens even when I'm not vying for the "higher platform" if you will. Normal people would react by being super happy and proud of their close friend for being so successful and lucky, but I on the other hand, if I knew I had a chance at the same "goal", all hell breaks loose in my head and steam shoots out of my head.
A fix to this problem is obviously just to focus on yourself and see that your path is not the same path that anyone else on this Earth will ever take, and so you just have to continue living life striving to become the best version of yourself. But for some reason, maybe it's just how passionate my emotions can be, I can't seem to place that logic in my mind when I think of those experiences, especially when they're recent. I think it takes me a good while to finally get over things like these but there's always a trace left in my mind that make me end up holding tiny grudges. Those traces then sometimes lead me to lie to myself or feed the next incidence. I just wish these things would click immediately because I really don't have a good reason to bash on a close friend for rising above. Maybe it's a loneliness complex? Maybe I just don't wanna be left on the ground while others I admire are flying free? Or maybe it's just me being power hungry and wanting to lead that's making me wish it was me. Well, whatever it might be, I hope the chain gets broken and that I can be genuinely happy and grateful for the blessings bestowed upon my friends. Heck, I sometimes feel lucky just having that company around, even just for a little bit. I guess that's all for now, especially since my thoughts are escaping me.
-e
